Do relationships have to feel like work?
Everyone says relationships take work. But how much work is normal? And is it okay to have doubts even in a good relationship?
I don’t think there are universal answers, and I certainly don’t have it all figured out. But what I’ve learned from positive psychology is that there are things we can do to help a relationship feel less like hard labor and more like real partnership.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, found that conflict itself doesn’t predict whether couples thrive—every couple fights. What matters is how they handle it. His research also shows that the strongest relationships maintain about a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. For every tense moment, there are five of laughter, affection, or support. When the scale tips the other way—when eye rolls, sarcasm, or criticism outweigh the hugs, laughs, and quality time—relationships can start to feel heavy.
So how can we build and sustain that 5:1 balance, whether we’ve been in a relationship for a few months or a few decades?
Pathway 1: Increase the positives
Show gratitude. We often assume our partners know we appreciate them, but even a quick “thanks for making the coffee just the way I like it” or “I love how you calm me down when my mind is racing” goes further than we realize.
Create routines of connection. It’s a running joke in my family that my husband and I have date night “because it’s important.” Whether it’s a shared hobby, a morning coffee, or a walk after dinner, these routines keep us anchored and connected when life gets busy.
Notice each other’s strengths. Not just the mistakes. Point out the humor, patience, or perseverance we see in others. We often underestimate how powerful it is to be seen by the people closest to us and to hear when we’ve done something good. It’s not about overpraising—it’s about reinforcing.
Savor together. Pause to notice the good—the beauty in our backyard, a dinner that turned out delicious, a trip or small moment that made us both smile. We’re wired to dwell on the hard stuff (thanks to our negativity bias), and savoring brings balance.
Pathway 2: Handle the tough moments well
Turn toward, not away. This is one of my favorite Gottman concepts. Whenever there’s a ‘bid for connection’—someone asks a question, shares a story, makes a gesture—turning toward means responding with interest instead of brushing it off. It could be as simple as looking up from our phone, asking a follow-up question, or smiling back. Sounds simple, but easy to miss in the rush and stress of our days. At its core, it’s about choosing curiosity over criticism, attention over distraction, and presence over passivity.
Prioritize partnership. Tough moments can pit us against each other. Prioritizing partnership means focusing on “we” over “me vs you.” It’s about choosing connecting over winning. One practical way to do this is to pause when things get heated, then return to the conversation grounded in “how can we move forward together?”
Practice repair. Maybe the most important skill in a relationship. We all mess up. The key isn’t avoiding mistakes—it’s repairing when they happen. It’s not about excusing or moving on—it’s about learning from what went wrong and showing up better for each other going forward. Repair rebuilds trust and signals that the relationship matters more than our pride.
These practices aren’t just for romantic relationships—they matter just as much in friendships, families, and workplaces. So yes, relationships take work. There’s compromise, sacrifice, and effort involved. But when we do that work together—as partners, teammates, or friends—it feels less like a burden and more like caring for something we value.
Because when it comes to wellbeing, few things matter more than our relationships. And that makes the “work” worth it.
