A better sorry
Ever given someone a gift or recognized them publicly and wondered why they seemed ungrateful or uncomfortable? In the same vein, ever apologized and wondered why forgiveness didn’t follow? Yes to all of the above for me, until I realized I was speaking a different language.
Many are likely familiar with the five love languages – first published in the early 1990s but really popularized over the last two decades. Far fewer probably know there’s a similar science-backed framework: the five apology languages. Just like love languages describe how we prefer to receive care, apology languages describe how we prefer to receive repair.
Before we get to apologies, here’s the TL;DR on love languages. Feel free to skip if you’re already familiar.
Words of affirmation – compliments, encouragement, kind words
Quality time – full attention, time spent together, shared experiences
Acts of service – helping with tasks, taking something off someone’s plate
Gift giving – thoughtful presents or gestures that show care (Yours truly!)
Physical touch – hugs, hand-holding, physical closeness
The core idea is that people experience “care” differently. And the same is true for “I’m sorry.” When it comes to apologies, there are also five (generalized) languages:
Express regret – saying “I’m sorry” and acknowledging the wrongdoing
Accept responsibility – owning what you did without excuse
Make restitution – asking “what can I do to make this right?”
Request forgiveness – asking “will you forgive me?” and giving space for the answer
Planned change – showing what will be different next time (Yours truly!)
Why does this matter, and how can these languages help us next time we’re in conflict, at work or at home?
Most of us apologize the way we want to be apologized to, but the other person might need something totally different.
We might say, “I’m sorry,” thinking that’s enough (express regret,) but they might be waiting for us to say, “I messed up, and I own that” (accept responsibility.) We might ask, “Will you forgive me?” thinking we’re opening a door (request forgiveness,) but they might be thinking, “Ask me what you can do differently next time” (make restitution.) Same intention; very different impact.
When we match our apology to their language, it signals sincerity and trustworthiness; it also slows down defensiveness and speeds up healing.
We aren’t meant to pick one language and use it forever. People and situations shift. We may resonate with more than one, or none at all. All of that is normal. These languages aren’t intended to be boxes we’re stuck in but insights we’re armed with to strengthen our awareness and show up (in this case, apologize) more effectively.
We’ll all mess up and hurt others at times. When we do, let’s prioritize repairing the relationship over protecting our pride—because relationships are the single most reliable path to greater well-being.
Here’s to better apologies and stronger relationships.
If you want to learn more about apology languages, including your own preferences and tendencies, take the quick (and free) assessment here.
