How to build confidence (from an un-expert)
I’ll start by saying I feel imposterous writing about confidence. I’m someone who needs more practice than preaching. That’s why I’m coming to this as a learner, not an expert: someone trying to figure out how to show up with more confidence in work and in life. Here’s what I’m learning.
We often think confidence comes from sounding sure of ourselves or presenting as polished and put-together. But true confidence isn’t about how much we know or how convincingly we project what we know. It’s about how much we know ourselves: our perceptions, our abilities, and our limits.
In other words, the more we trust ourselves, the more confident we are. That’s why traditional “confidence boosters,” like praising achievements or offering reassurance, can actually backfire. They teach us to anchor our confidence in external cues instead of internal ones. And the opposite of confidence? Insecurity: feeling unsafe or uncertain within ourselves.
If that sounds a little soft or “ok, but what does that actually mean?”, here are four research-backed, practical ways to build self-trust and bring this definition of confidence to life.
Name and validate present experiences. The good and the hard ones. This simply means noticing what we’re feeling and giving it a quick “yeah, that’s real” instead of brushing it off – with ourselves, kids, friends, colleagues. When we tell someone (or ourselves), “It’s not a big deal,” or “You’re overthinking it,” even with the best intentions, we’re basically saying, “Don’t trust what you’re noticing.” Over time, that erodes confidence. And validation doesn’t mean we necessarily like the feeling; it just means we’re being honest about it. And honesty is grounding. Most insecurity comes from imagined futures or replayed failures, both of which pull us out of the present. Confidence builds when we stay with what’s true right now.
Get curious about process over product. Instead of focusing on outcomes, get curious about the thoughts and choices that led there. A simple way to do this is to swap praise for curiosity. Instead of, “Great job on that presentation,” try, “How’d you think to open with that story?” or “What helped you stay calm?” Curiosity builds introspection, and introspection helps us understand our own patterns. And we can’t trust ourselves – let alone feel confident – if we don’t understand ourselves. And this doesn’t have to be deep or dramatic; it can start with the small, everyday wins (and misses.)
Be reliable with ourselves. Do one thing every day that we told ourselves we would do. Keep the workout on the calendar. Meal prep for the week. Say no to something that doesn’t feel right. Chip away at a task that feels overwhelming. These tiny, everyday follow-throughs matter more than big promises. Keeping small commitments with ourselves builds a track record of self-trust. Over time, confidence moves from “I need validation from others” to “I can count on myself.”
Orient toward autonomy, competence, and relatedness. This one sounds academic, but here’s what it really means. Self-determination theory says these three needs are what fuel intrinsic motivation and with it, confidence. When we spend our time on things that feel self-directed (autonomy), let us use or master our skills and strengths (competence), and connect us with others (relatedness), we naturally feel more self-assured. Seek out the activities, relationships, and environments that activate these three ingredients, and invest our energy there whenever we can.
I’m not suddenly a more confident person by putting some of these to practice, but this lens of self-trust makes it feel more like something we can actually build through everyday behaviors, not a personality trait we either have or don’t. And when insecurity comes up (as it does for everyone,) it’s good to remember that even steady-looking people have their shaky moments. We’re all building confidence the same way: by learning to trust ourselves.
