When things change (and we do too)
We’ve all heard it: it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond. If that advice sometimes makes your eyes roll, especially when what’s happening really sucks and shakes us, I get it.
From the smaller daily setbacks to the life events that reshape us forever, life rarely goes how we plan it (despite my best efforts with Excel). We've heard this too.
I read a book recently called, The Other Side of Change, and while I was familiar with many of the psychological concepts in it, they hit differently when you’ve experienced a major change yourself or been close enough to someone who has.
In the author’s case, her dream of becoming a professional violinist ended after a hand injury. And later, she experienced multiple miscarriages and had to confront the possibility of a childless future despite her desire to be a mom.
We all have our own version(s) of a dream shifted or an identity shaken… our own moment of this isn’t how it was supposed to go.
Here are my 3 takeaways from the book (to both know and to do) for not if but when that moment hits.
1. Big change fuels rumination (and rumination makes everything worse).
Rumination is when our negative thoughts take over. We replay what’s happened, imagine worst-case futures, and mentally spiral into paralysis. It’s super common and super unhelpful.
Instead of staying trapped in the moment, we can “zoom out” (called psychological distancing) and shift our perspective.
Here are a few practical ways to do that:
Mental time travel: Ask, “How will I (or how do I want to) see this a year from now?” or “What would I tell a friend going through this?” Pulling ourselves out of a moment’s emotional intensity shifts our brain from panic- to perspective-mode.
Find awe: Nature, art, music, travel, even a good sunset. Awe reduces self-focus and loosens rigid thinking and spirals.
Name it to tame it (called affect labeling): Literally say, “I’m feeling grief,” or “I’m feeling shame,” or “I’m feeling panic.” This helps our brain regulate emotion and frees up mental bandwidth to act.
Stay in community: Loneliness and rumination feed each other. Connecting with others (ideally those in similar situations) interrupts this loop.
2. Big change exposes our beliefs (and sometimes they need updating).
Change doesn’t just disrupt our circumstances; it can disrupt our assumptions. It can reveal beliefs we didn’t even know we were living with, like:
If I work hard enough, things will work out. If I do everything right and follow this formula, I’ll get what I want. If I’m productive and successful, I’m worthy.
And sometimes those beliefs aren’t actually motivating us; they’re limiting us.
One of the best ways to unlock mental flexibility is to think like a scientist: to get curious about our own thinking instead of treating every thought like a fact. Ask:
What evidence do I have for this belief?
Where did I learn it?
Is it universally true, or just familiar?
What else could also be true right now?
If someone I loved believed this, what would I tell them?
This curiosity creates space to revise our beliefs (the ones not serving us) and choose the values that will guide our next steps.
3. Big change triggers our need for fairness, certainty, and control.
When big change happens, our brain often tries to explain it through the lens of a “just world.” (This is the belief that life is basically fair: good things happen to good people, hard work pays off, etc.)
That belief can be comforting… until something bad happens then it can amplify self-blame, with thoughts like:
What did I do wrong? How could I have prevented this? Why didn’t I see it coming? Bad thing = bad person.
The reality is sometimes things happen that we didn’t cause and couldn’t control. So what can we do instead?
Loosen our grip on the “just world” belief. Sometimes shit just happens.
Replace self-criticism with self-compassion. Remind ourselves that pain is part of being human. It is not uniquely ours; it’s shared with others.
Reorient toward helping others. Service is a powerful way of restoring meaning and agency when life feels out of control.
Stay curious about who we’re becoming. The version of us on the other side will have new strength, values, and perspective, even if we can’t see it yet. There’s a comfort in realizing we won’t be the same person going through this forever.
That last bullet I’ve personally found to be so true, which brings me to my biggest takeaway: a big change doesn’t just happen to us; it also happens within us.
If that made your eyes roll, stay with me. Here’s what I mean:
Despite our best attempts, we suck at predicting how we’ll actually feel in the future (called poor affective forecasting). We assume today’s pain is permanent; we underestimate our ability to adapt, and we forget how much we will change too (even though we can clearly see how much we’ve changed in the past.)
The reality is we will change alongside whatever is happening to us, and if we use a few strategies like the ones above, we can shape that change more intentionally, and maybe even change for good. (Like Glinda and Elphaba... iykyk)
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